At Marcia Mediation, we believe that in any separation involving children, the opinions and welfare of those children should be a primary consideration, and not an afterthought. By adopting a child-inclusive mediation approach, we aim to minimise harm and distress.
Dependants can feature in any separation, including mixed-sex divorce, mixed-sex civil partnership dissolution, and same-sex divorce or dissolution where there are dependants from previous relationships, surrogacy, adoption and other such processes.
Whatever your circumstances, child-inclusive mediation can help to ensure that the separation process – both emotional and legal – does not harm your child’s long-term development.
An acrimonious divorce can have lasting consequences for child development, especially if the child is exposed directly to the conflict between their parents.
In 2022, Professor Gordon Harold of the University of Cambridge prepared a summary of the evidence surrounding Inter-Parental Conflict and Family Separation for the Family Solutions Group.
He noted that:
These improved outcomes not only deliver better mental and emotional health for the parents and dependants, but can prevent costs and other problems for society as a whole.
The list of potential negative outcomes in high-conflict cases goes beyond short-term stress and sadness.
Professor Harold lists a variety of psychological and behavioural issues that may arise in dependants following a high-conflict parental separation:
This ‘arrested development’ can pass on to the next generation, as the dependant from the original divorce, once they reach adulthood, may find it more difficult to interact with their own children.
Some of the direct benefits of low-conflict divorce include financial savings in policing and the criminal justice system, the education system and the health and social care system.
Better mental health and development – both psychological and emotional – means dependants can contribute to society in the usual way once they reach adulthood.
And by allowing those dependants to have a more positive experience of their own parents, even after the breakdown of the household and family structure, they are better placed to raise children of their own if and when the time comes.
How Divorce Timing and Parental Approach Affect Children
The timing of a separation, and how it’s handled day to day, can make a noticeable difference to how children cope with it. Child psychologist Erica Komisar points out that children between around three and nine are often in a more emotionally settled stage of development, which may mean they’re slightly better placed to adjust to change during this period, compared to other stages.
Where children are very young, especially under five, a slower transition can sometimes help. One approach Komisar refers to is “nesting”, where parents stay in the same home for a period after separating so the child isn’t suddenly dealing with two separate households. This can give them a bit more time to adjust to what’s happening. Children don’t all respond in the same way, but stress often shows itself through behaviour. Some may become more reactive or emotional, while others might shut down or struggle with focus. What tends to help is giving them space to talk when they’re ready, not overscheduling them, and allowing more unstructured time so they don’t feel constantly pressured. For very young children, particularly under three, consistency and security are especially important. In practical terms, this often means keeping things as stable as possible with the parent they are most attached to, including where they sleep and spend most of their time, so they continue to feel safe and settled during a period of change.
When it comes to telling children about a separation, the way it’s handled really matters. It’s best to avoid times that already carry emotional weight, like birthdays or holidays, and instead choose a calm, ordinary moment. If possible, both parents should talk to the children together and keep things steady and reassuring. Most children will have questions, and one of the biggest worries is often whether they are to blame. It’s important to reassure them clearly that this is not the case. Keep explanations simple and age-appropriate, and try not to overshare adult detail. Just as importantly, try to keep communication respectful between co-parents, especially in front of the children. Even when things are difficult, children benefit from feeling that both parents are still there for them. Handled in a steady, thoughtful way, these small choices around timing, tone and consistency can make a meaningful difference in how children experience and adjust to separation.
This is where a structured, child-focused approach such as mediation can help support parents in maintaining clear, respectful communication throughout the process, with Marcia Mediation providing guidance to help reduce conflict and keep the focus on the child’s wellbeing.
If you have children of any age, or any other vulnerable household members, speak to Marcia Mediation today about child-inclusive mediation and ensure that all affected parties are represented and protected during the mediation process. For more information on the details of how child inclusive mediation works, see some of the most common questions a mediator is likely to ask your child.
Divorce and dissolution are, by definition, about families. Losing that household structure can be distressing – and we can’t promise to eliminate the sadness from the process completely.
But by keeping all affected parties firmly in mind throughout the separation negotiations, mediation can reduce conflict and ensure children’s voices are heard, so there is no more than the absolute minimum of necessary stress and upset.
If you have any questions, call us on 0330 236 7450 or fill out this form
