If you’re going through a separation with children involved, it can be sensible for your mediator to talk to them directly, without you in the room.
By allowing your child to talk to a family mediator, you give us an opportunity to find out what they are thinking, in a safe and supportive environment.
That might sound strange, but it’s important for children to have a voice when their parents are separating, and they don’t always feel comfortable speaking their mind openly in front of one or both parents.
This is true even in the most loving and caring of families – sometimes the child feels they would be letting you down, or they might think they are partly responsible for your decision to separate.
Child-inclusive mediation is designed to give children a voice amongst the significant change they are living through. This approach makes sure their perspectives are heard, understood, and valued – with around 70% of cases reaching a satisfactory resolution when involving child-inclusive mediation.
So, what questions does a mediator ask a child and how can clarifying how decisions are made support families?
Leaving your child in the hands of a mediator should never make you feel uneasy.
While some worry family mediation questions will pressure a child into answering or directing questions in a way which encourages a specific response, but this is far from reality.
Instead, mediators will often ask open-ended and generalised questions. Rather than putting your child on the spot, they will get to know them by opening a larger conversation and asking questions about their school, family life, and hobbies.
By creating a safe space for children to freely share their perspective, a research study reported 86% of the 60 children who were involved in mediation for children found it a helpful process.
Child mediation questions are designed to be sensitive to a young person’s age and understanding of the situation.
As trained professionals, mediators will ask questions in ways that keep the environment welcoming to help children feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings. But, some children will be more nervous than others, and require additional support.
Child mediation questions can be adapted to make this process as simple and calm as possible.
If a child has been feeling anxious about upsetting their parents, a family mediator can be brought in to facilitate discussions in a way that prioritises their well-being…
Creating a Safe Space –
The mediator arranges a child-friendly meeting room with toys and comfortable seating to help the child feel at ease. They introduce themselves gently and explain in simple terms that they are not responsible for making decisions but that their feelings matter.
Building Trust –
Instead of diving straight into questions, the mediator engages them in light conversation about their interests, favourite school activities, or pets. This helps them relax and feel safe.
Using Child-Friendly Techniques –
The child is encouraged to express their thoughts through drawing or storytelling rather than direct questioning, reducing pressure and making it easier for them to communicate.
Ensuring Neutrality –
The mediator reassures the child that both parents love them and that they won’t be asked to pick sides. Instead, they focus on what makes them feel happy and comfortable in each home.
Communicating with Parents –
The mediator conveys the child’s feelings to their parents in a sensitive way, emphasising their needs without making her feel like they are responsible for adult decisions.
By creating a supportive environment, the mediator helps the child express their concerns in a way that is comfortable for them while the parents gain a better understanding of how they feel, leading to a more child-focused discussion.
A skilled mediator carefully frames child mediation questions to be age-appropriate and non-leading to maintain focus on the child’s wellbeing and their confidence in the process.
So, what questions does a mediator ask a child, and what kind of topics will they cover?
For example, a mediator will never ask a child “Who do you want to live with”, but they may ask them to paint a picture of what their life is like at this moment. They could also ask questions like:
By using carefully structured questions, mediators help ensure that children feel heard and understood while protecting them from feeling caught between their parents. The insights gained from these conversations can guide parents in making decisions that prioritise the child’s well-being and stability.
“A mediator will never ask a child, ‘Who do you want to live with?’ because that places undue pressure on them. Instead, we focus on understanding their daily experiences. We might ask them to describe their morning routine or draw a picture of their favorite place. The goal is to give children a voice in the process without making them feel responsible for adult decisions.”
Marcia Lister, Family Mediation Specialist
Mediators assess how a child is coping with changes in their family situation by asking questions that explore their emotions, fears, and sources of comfort.
These questions help determine whether additional emotional support may be needed:
Understanding how a child perceives interactions between family members is essential in assessing their comfort and stability.
Mediators frame questions in a neutral way to avoid placing blame or encouraging favoritism:
Mediators explore the child’s relationship with each parent to understand their emotional connection and whether they feel safe and supported:
Rather than directly asking a child to choose where they want to live, mediators encourage them to express their feelings about their daily routine and comfort levels in different environments:
Mediators adjust their questioning style depending on the child’s age, emotional maturity, and communication ability.
Younger children might respond better to storytelling, drawings, or open-ended play-based activities, whereas older children and teenagers may be more comfortable with direct but non-intrusive questions.
We wouldn’t talk to children in mediation if it didn’t help. Asking your child how they are feeling and if they have any worries can identify issues that could be preventing you from making meaningful progress in your separation negotiations.
In the most obvious examples of this, the child might have clear ideas about where they want to live as their primary residence in the future, which you may choose to respect as much as possible.
Less directly, that could be an indication of a deeper worry in the child’s mind, such as how well they think one or other parent will cope with the separation.
We will always proceed with caution and gently ask the questions we believe will help the most, before reporting back to you so that you can decide how to use that information positively in the arrangements you make for your child or children going forwards.
A child’s perspective can play a crucial role in shaping mediation outcomes, but it is not the sole deciding factor.
Child mediation questions are designed for mediators to have a comprehensive understanding of a child’s feelings, needs, and concerns, ensuring that decisions are made in their best interest.
However, children’s views are considered alongside other factors, such as their emotional well-being, the ability of each parent to provide a stable environment, and legal guidelines.
A common, and valid concern among parents is whether a child’s expressed preference will determine the final outcome.
The purpose of family mediation is not to corner individuals into an agreement they aren’t happy with. The whole process is designed to ensure a child’s views are taken seriously, but they do not automatically override legal or parental responsibilities.
While the courts and family mediation will consider a child’s input, their maturity level, reasoning, and potential external influences are reviewed to understand how best to incorporate their input into the decision-making process.
Remember – the goal is to create a balanced arrangement that supports the child’s long-term well-being rather than simply following their immediate wishes.
Marcia is an accredited mediator who provides a supportive, empathetic environment, guiding families through mediation with professionalism and understanding. Whether you’re dealing with custody, contact arrangements, or other family matters, Marcia is here to help you find the best solution for your family’s future.
With over 70% of families reaching satisfactory resolutions, you can trust that family mediation questions with Marcia are designed to help you create a peaceful, stable path forward.
Let us help you move forward with confidence – your child’s voice matters.
If you have any questions, call us on 07791 560 161 or fill out this form
Mediators take a holistic approach, considering the child’s age, emotional and physical needs, their relationship with each parent, and any specific concerns they express. Their goal is to create a resolution that promotes stability and healthy relationships while prioritising the child’s best interests.
Yes, participation in mediation is typically voluntary for children. If a child is uncomfortable or unwilling to answer questions, mediators will not force them to speak. Instead, they may use indirect methods to assess the child’s needs, such as observing interactions or reviewing relevant reports.
No. Mediation is designed to be a neutral process that avoids placing children in a position where they feel responsible for choosing between parents. Mediators focus on understanding the child’s perspective without pressuring them to make a decision. Their role is to facilitate constructive discussions and ensure that any agreements prioritise the child’s best interests.
